Surekha Kulkarni

My Self Guilt and Self Blame

What could you let go of, for the sake of harmony?

My mother passed away 5 years ago. It was a sudden but peaceful death for her. Due to some reason, my mobile was switched off. My bhabhi kept on calling me, when my mother was taking her last breath. But I was not reachable. I don’t know whether my reaching an hour earlier could have saved my mother’s life nor do I know what my mother’s last words were . I have been grieving since then nor can I stop blaming myself. Why why did I switch off my phone, despite being just 10 kms away from my mother , I was not there when she needed me the most .

Miss you Aai šŸ˜¢

Till today I feel that if only I had reached earlier, my mother would have still been with me šŸ˜”. Not been able to stop blaming myself till today .

My Aai ( Mom) was my support, my strength, feel lost without her .

I also feel guilty that maybe I didn’t take care of my mother. I was so busy at work, she would always say come and meet me, and I would be like , I have this deadline, I need to travel and so on and on. And today I could give anything just to spend 5 mins with her . I just want to say , ‘Aai I love you so much. I took you so much for granted, I assumed you were immortal and would be with me forever. But you quietly without much ado, left this world and made me an orphan.’

I want to let go of this self blame and guilt as I know whatever, I do , nothing is going to bring my Aai back . Wish me peace and tranquility.

23 comments

  1. I feel connected to you because it also happened to me; When I set foot in India, my mother died before I could reach home. My mother died, she could not see me, and I could not see her alive. I can feel your pain.šŸ™šŸ˜”

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  3. I am sure your mother was very proud of you. You never know when someone will pass. I too left my mother’s side because the doctors said it wasn’t going to happen yet. But it did. Think only of the happy times.

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  4. Sad to know…
    My respectful tributes to your Aai. I can understand the feeling of losing mother and carrying the baggage of guilt for not being there. After all God’s wish is supreme, accept it with the spirit that she is in peace. Treasure the beautiful moments spent with her and feel her presence around.

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  5. Would your mother blame you?

    Would your mother want you to blame yourself?

    There’s no need to answer me. Instead, perhaps answer those questions on a piece of paper and place them somewhere that reminds you of your mother.

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  6. Maybe there is a positive side to this. I don’t know why you think :”if only I had reached earlier, my mother would have still been with me šŸ˜””
    My wife’s mother passed away and she could not reach her even to have her “antim darshan”, now the positive thing about this is that she still has her mother in her memory as a hale and hearty and smiling person and not “she on her death bed”.

    I lost my father, he was away from home and we always wondered ‘if only someone was close’ to give medical aid. Then a few years later I lost my elder brother, he was in ICCU and the doctor signing his ‘discharge’, he collapsed and inspite of instant assistant from doctors and machines he could not be saved. It was then that we overcame the disappointment of not being close to my father at the time of his death and save him. You need to overcome this delusion that she would still be around had you reached in time.

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  7. this post is so deeply moving. thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing this. i think many can relate in some way to the grief you’ve felt, even if their situation isn’t exactly the same. wishing you peace in letting go

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  8. (((((Hugs)))))
    Your mother was sooooo beautifulšŸŒ·šŸ•ŠšŸŒ·
    I struggle with thoughts like this about my dad who passed in 2010. Thank you for your transparencyšŸ•ŠšŸŒ·šŸ•ŠšŸŒ·šŸ•Š

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  9. Hello. Your story is absolutely touching. But itā€™s not your fault. It was supposed to happen like that. But do know that your aai loved you and would not be happy seeing you blame like that. There are a lot of ups and downs in life but we have to face them. And she is always with you in this place of youšŸ«€youā€™ll always find her there ā¤ļøāœØ

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