Yesterday when I was traveling to Mumbai to meet my son who stays in Mumbai. The cool weather and express way triggered something inside me. This blog is the result of my thoughts

The moment you were put in my arms, you squirmed and gazed direct in my eyes.

Your innocent, vulnerable face and your smiling eyes melted me and believe me, my life changed.

I fell in love with you and found the purpose, the reason of my life.

Till then when you were growing inside me, truth be told, I never had any maternal instincts. I was not even 20 and was struggling with the loss of the pillar of my life my baba and a new household.

So really 7 months carrying you was a blip in my life.
And you being you, didnt wait for 9 months but end of 7 month came in my life.

As you were a premature baby, your fragility scared me.
I remember night on night till you were 6 months, I would wake up many times and check whether you are breathing.
You were so tiny that I couldn’t even hear the sound of your breath even in the silence of night.

I abandoned you when you were hardly a month old .
I had to start working and who best but your aaji to look after you.
So I left you in the care and love of your aaji.
And she became your mother in all true sense.

Did I feel a pang of guilt or regret?
I really don’t know, I was so busy to really think about it maybe .
My life became a routine where weekends you were part of my life.
Did you feel I had abandoned you ?
End of it, is it not a fact that a mother is solely responsible for the child especially such a small child.

Since then my journey with guilt and remorse started .
You were two , my son my sujay my suju when we finally became a family together.

We shifted to a place close to my Aai place , you would be with your Aaji the whole day and evening back to your Aai.
Maybe for the first time you realized the difference between your Aai and Aaji.

You were so sorted and I don’t remember you ever crying or being clingy.
Morning I would drop you and evening when I came to pick you , you would jump up with joy and come home.

Do you remember suju you would make gajra for me?
My Aai had a big garden , so suju and my Aai would pluck mogra and my Aai taught suju to make a gajra for me.
The first time when you came up and so innocently and shyly gave it to me , I was in tears .

I dont think I have received a better gift than that suju.
You were pampered and showered with so of love and affection by your maushi , mama, kaka .
You were always a smiling and loving child.
You never had a issue with anyone and accepted and made everyone part of your life.

Since the young age of 5 you would be traveling with your aaji during vacations to all her sisters and her relatives.
You were so happy and comfortable at such a young age also traveling to places and staying with people who didnt know well.
But maybe being with Aaji was all that mattered to you.

You grew up in different household and got exposed to different kinds of lifestyle as most of my maushi were staying in small towns .

Do you remember suju the vacations you spend with your maushi and kaka at solapur.
For your sangita maushi and kaka you were the apple of their eye .
Kaka would take you to his hospital and let you explore all the X ray and other sonography machines. 😅😅😅

You were the only child in the family and you were doted by all .
Your kaka and kaku always got the best gifts for all your birthdays . Your birthdays were a big celebration for the whole family.

Time flew, and we shifted to Aundh as it was close to your school.
Since your fourth grade suju you carried the house keys in your pocket .
You would come home and open the house at 5 pm from the tender age of 8.

One particular memory , you once called me at my work, and as I was on other call, you were told that your Aai is on a important call, and what you said disarmed everyone in my office .
You very sweetly but with lot of authority said, noone is as important to my Aai as I am, tell her Sujay is calling, she will leave all the work and take my call.

I was so much torn with love and guilt that day , that even today just thinking of it get a gush of emotions in me 😪😪

The positive aspect of me not being able to give you time was that you became independent very early .
Your maturity and insight into lot of things got developed as you were on your own .

You became rational , logical and decisive, never really expecting your parents to decide on your behalf.
Sometimes I wish you were dependent on me, maybe miss the small innocuous kid who would follow my instructions to T.

My baby would call me and take my permission for small small things like can I go to Loo? I would jokingly say no, and you would be Aai pl , it’s urgent, but you would only disconnect the phone when I said yes.😂😂😂

But sujay we spent some quality time also, when I would to drop you to school on my two wheeler , I would tell you stories driving and people on the road would be amused as I had to shout loudly and tell you the stories.

You knew from a young age my driving skills were limited so while driving you to school anyone trying to come close to me , you would very bluntly tell my Aai cant drive well, so pl stay away 😅😅😅.

But yes I was never a Aai who would pick, drop or enroll you to the various extracurricular classes.

I was busy juggling my career, home and other so called priorities in my life.

Sujay you have grown up and maybe think we have grown apart.
Mothers and sons argue, sulk and have differences.
Mothers are big naggers and having hormonal changes as they age become temperamental and hysterical.
Maybe sujay we dont talk as we used to or you dont share your life details with me like before .

But that doesn’t mean we are not close.
That doesn’t mean that the purpose , the reason of my life is still you and only YOU.

Has the guilt gone off me after so many years that I really didnt see you growing up and being with you for each and every milestone ?

Do I repent you being the only child ?
Did I deprive you of a sibling because of my selfish reasons?

Today if I feel you are so self sufficient or in moment of frustration feel you are self centered and selfish, is it actually my fault, that I deprived you of a rightful sibling ?

My baby my son however big you become for me you will always be my mau, my manimau. My suju , my lifeline.
since you came in my life as a tiny tot, you are a adult now, working and you have changed a lot. The only constant suju still is that even today I know for sure that you are the only purpose of my life .😍😍😍😍