What is it about grief, the more the days pass, the more profound it becomes .
Time heals all the wounds and we all move on with our lives
But is it a fact?
I was mulling over this as my Father’s death anniversary is today .
It’s been almost 30 years since my Baba ( I called my father baba ) left for his heavenly abode.
My baba was only 50 when he left us after battling cancer for 2 years.
I never wished my baba ‘ Happy Fathers Day ‘
My mom passed away 4 years back.
When I was reminiscing about my mom , a thought came to my mind, Have I forgotten my baba?
I then realised,
Absolutely not
How can I forget the person who has shaped my outlook towards life?
The one who turned me into this voracious reader of books , especially newspapers.
It was my baba due to whom I have such a stronghold on current and world affairs.
My baba was a visionary, a quiet family man, whose world was his wife and his 3 children.
He was an introvert and one who spoiled and pampered me crazily.
I am going to share something which will throw light why is it that I am still so spoilt and self-centered .
In the early nineties, we shifted to our new bungalow, where we had bore well water. I wouldn’t drink this water and used to throw major tantrums, my baba would get water in a can (remember those white cans which would be used for petrol ) from his office every day for me.
So you can blame my baba for me being temperamental, spoilt and one who believes in MY WAY OR HIGHWAY.
Though my baba was with me only for 20 years of my life, my life has been shaped by his strong moral and ethical value system and of course his political views also.
Baba always encouraged me to talk and discuss everything under the sun.
He said, learn to listen to others, but always have a mind of your own.
Baba firmly believed in the adage ‘ Work is Worship’ which I affirm shaped my career in my later life
Baba you went away so early, you didn’t see any of your grandchildren, you didn’t play with them or pamper them like you did to me.
When my baba passed away, I had just conceived, my mom would always say your baba will come back to us in the form of your child.
My son’s birth helped my mom in coping with her grief and she could channelise all her time and energy in bringing up my son.
The bond my son Sujay shared with his grandmother was unique and irreplaceable.
Maybe my baba never went away from my life, he is back in my life in the form of my son who has always been matured and independent beyond his age.
Baba you were not there when I was adjusting in my new married life, juggling career and home.
Baba I missed you and cried out for you when I was having major abdominal pains while giving birth to Sujay, When I needed you to console me, you were not with me, baba.
Baba when I shifted to Aundh to my new flat, wished you were there to bless me and feel proud of my achievements.
When I finished my MBA, baba where were you?
You would have been so proud of me, my eyes kept searching but no baba for me.
During Sujay’s numerous birthdays, baba your presence was sorely missed. You would have been the first to eat the cake as you had a sweet tooth.
Baba where were you, when I scaled summits in my professional life. Baba I needed you to calm me during any storms I faced in my career.
Baba where were you ,when I was in self doubt or at crossroads , I needed you to gently prod me down the right path as I went down many wrong paths .
Baba where were you, when I was tired , depressed and low due to struggles of my life , I needed you to be my cheerleader as you always have been my first hero.
Baba where were you, when Sangita ( my sister ) got married, Tushar was born. Sangita who nursed you the most during your sickness never recovered from the trauma of losing her father at such a young age.
Baba where were you, when Kiran (my brother) got married, had 2 beautiful children.
Baba you would have been so happy that your son is doing so well professionally as you were worried about him as , as a kid my brother Kiran was very precocious.
Baba you would have fussed over me, scolded me seeing my addiction to exercise these days.
But you would have never stopped me but would have encouraged me to put my best foot in whatever I chose to do
.
Baba where were you , when I was joyful or sad, elated or depressed, high or low, restless, at peace, did you assume that now that I am an adult I will not need you.
Baba you never let me do anything for you
You loved travelling, you didn’t let me take you anywhere. Baba you would loved the fun and adventure vacation destinations , as I know you were not the pilgrimage sort of a person.
Baba , I couldn’t buy you a single gift from my hard earned money.
Baba you just sacrificed and sacrificed for the family , you would work from morning 9 to night 10 pm, to supplement the income you worked at double jobs .
Baba despite being a Govt official , you were so honest and straightforward in your profession that it became a inspiration for all your children to tread the same path .
Baba I needed you in all my phases of life but you were there only when I was a child, as soon as I turned a so-called adult, you left me.
Do you know as a family we never became normal as your void was too big to be filled?
Baba I wish you were alive today, you would have been such a cool granddad for your grandchildren.
Baba it’s because of you that I am such an independent person who knows her mind.
Baba a day has not gone by , when I didn’t think or wish for you to be beside me.
Baba your few photographs are the only memories which I will cling on , cherish and hold till the last breath of my life.
Baba has passed away from the physical world, but he is permanently etched in my heart and brain, and he empowered me to carry his legacy forward.
You will always be in my heart baba
Miss you every single day
Surekha Daily Musings 